What about motion activated cattle prod seatposts?
Some years ago my car was stolen and I fleetingly thought of a 12 bore cartridge as in the Stokes mortar under the seat but immediately realised that I would only remember it when my bum was 6 inches above it and descending fast.
Some time ago I sought ideas on what aggressive measures would be would be acceptable with emphasis on using the seat tube to house a little legal mayhem.
The hub dynamo on my Gitane charges up the microcontroller for the automatic gear change mechanisim which has never failed.
Why not use a similar scheme for a micro to arrange various warnings and reminders for the owner before any overt action is taken.
The microcontroller to take control of ~~
Locks and motion detectors with loud alarms.
Wheel revs to ensure a suitable speed before firing an Axi lock on the front wheel, 'cos I Believe in Retribution.
Igniting a fuse to set off chemicals to generate a clinging miasma of skunk to saturate clothing through lateral facing jets.
The next section of the chemical stack to emit, in the seat tube under a ventilated saddle, copious volumes neutral buoyancy coloured smoke to leave a visible trail, dye to indelibly stain clothing and fill any vehicle to suffocation.
The last section, 'cos I want to creep up on them, to provide a measure of warmth to the miscreants nether regions 'cos I Believe sinners should Repent.
From working agricultural fumigation I reckon a seat tube should provide sufficient fumes to fill 500 cubic metres and last about 10 minutes.
Dave